crashmebabyonemoretime

maybe you didn't know that. I recently finished my greatest work. it's an interactive piece. very interactive. there is some shocking involved. and maybe even some role playing as a doctor. but most importantly, it accomodates three people at the same time. it requires a pair of D's.

hope you enjoy.

I left the industry for good about a year ago. my career had officially taken off. "do you miss working at starbucks?". people ask me that about once a month. no. no I don't. but I do miss my coworkers. I miss giving them nicknames. I also miss giving people 10 cents off for wearing pink. I miss hassling the yuppies. and giving kids free stuff. I even miss the crazy people and the bums.

so here's to the industry. with no benefits. no pension. no future. and yet many toil on. marching forth sustained by the sweet anticipation of a grammy, winning lottery ticket, degree, american idol special, prince charming, or maybe just the next drink at the karaoke joint. whatever gets you there, darlings. here's to you.

*coffee mug salute*

some fav quotes from my career:

"I need a latte. it's for my boss."
"would you like arsenic syrup in that?"

"are you a suffering artist?"
"poor? yes. bitter. maybe. suffering? that was jesus' gig."

context: packed room. plush country club. serving wine. people order drinks. then move to other side of room. I track them down. "wow. how did you ever find us in this crowded room?"
"I dropped bread crumbs."

"I need some tea. it's for my boss."
"would you like the hemlock tea?"

"why do you give people ten cents off for wearing pink?"
"it makes me feel like a big shot. and I like pink. alot."

"what's the best coffee?"
"we really only have three coffees. we just mix them together different ways and give them fancy names. you're drinking X blend."

"okay. that's it. every time that guy comes in from now on he gets decaf. deal?"

"hey. you guys want a cup of whipped cream?"

"people who count squares are freaks." beth was commenting on my idea for my latest blog entry. it's a little dirty. there will be no apology for that. you see, I've had squares on my mind lately. I can't help it. I get interested in something and I just have to do a little research.

it all started with some recent conversations I had with a couple friends. they made telling statements:

willis: "when I was a bachelor I bought one of those four packs and it lasted me a month. now we get a bonus pack and it lasts a week."

sloop: "we have to go to costco and buy those huge packs because...well...we have a couple girls in the house."

curiosity peaked, I went home to make an interesting find in the bathroom---the bowl we keep rolls of toilet paper in was empty. whereas two days before it had contained four rolls, it now boasted a handful of little white paper sheddings and the mattel handheld football game.

tip-toeing into the kitchen, I continued my stealthy collection of testimony. "beth. is it just me---or have we gone through four rolls of toilet paper in two days?"

*cute mischievous look*
"I've been drinking alot of green tea lately."

what? I don't claim to be a scientist. not in this blog at least. call me clueless. or call me male. it's just- I don't use a wad of toilet paper every time I urinate. well- and if I do it's one square. and I don't remove makeup. not often, at least.

my grandfather has told me about the rationing of paper during world war II, and the resourceful use of discarded dried out corn cobs in the service latrines of england. my army ranger brother has even boasted of a post bowel movement 'one square' technique. details not necessary. you don't want to know.

don't get me wrong. I'm not proposing another conservational state of war. we all know if we stop buying things we don't need the terrorists might win. it's just---I think we should reflect upon our square usage. for posterity. for fun. and for our friends- the trees. they're cutting down trees in brasil, I've heard.

plus, I'd just like to know where all that damn toilet paper goes. so here's the question, ladies and gentlemen, how many squares does it take?